I am scared of myself. No, terrified. I am scared that I will die. I will die by my own hand. I will think, feel & be absolutely convinced that it is what I want & even need.
I will be wrong.
I don’t want to die. I am not ready to die. But at some point my brain will convince me otherwise.
I will become so depressed that existing will become unbearable. I will become a shell, a shadow of my true self. I won’t be able to live like that. I will feel destroyed inside. Like my soul has been mangled & I will believe I’m destined for eternal torture. After a few weeks I will genuinely believe I can’t carry on, I will feel I am a burden on those I love. I will genuinely believe they would be better without me.
I will prepare to take my own life. I will make contingency plans. I will lie to the people who care about me, not maliciously, simply to be able to carry out my plans. I will believe I am protecting them, may be cushioning the blow of losing someone to suicide. I will know it will hurt them, but I will believe it is best for everyone.
I will make attempts to take my life. My partner knows me well enough to know when something is wrong. So I will attempt to deceive him, and right now I hope I fail.
I may get as far as attempting suicide. Let me be clear now…
I DO NOT WANT TO SUCCEED!
I am terrified that my depressed self will not be able to hold on to this. I am terrified that my partner might miss the signs. I am terrified that I will make an attempt to end my life, and succeed.
I do not want to die.
I'm A Sparkly Unicorn 
Stay strong.
It’s a bittersweet beauty that you can know this, and understand it. That you are able to see it ahead of time. Living with all this, with the knowledge that the darkness could be around the corner is hard. You’re doing excellently by being able to see this. I hope you have people that are close enough that perhaps you can let them know what to look out for. Take care of yourself sunshine ^.^
This post has me sat here crying…it’s so, so well written. Whilst it’s obviously not nice to find blogs like this and ‘see’ other people suffering, it’s always a relief to know I’m not alone…
You’re definitely not alone ❤
You wrote that extremely well! I felt you so closely. I never wanted to die either. What I have noticed though with time (and crying and praying and writing) so much has come to light. I’m starting to gain confidence in myself because of all I’ve overcome and I know that I will overcome suicide too. It’s part of the journey of between sanity and insanity…or should I say balance?