I just want to give up now. I’m so sick of noone believing me. I’m sick of the contempt I’m being shown. Fuck them. Fuck them all. If they get hurt now I will know I tried my best to protect them. They’re on their own now.
I cannot bear to be around anyone now. I’ve spent the day dosed up on quetiapine and sleeping in bed. I actually want to push my partner out the door whilst shouting at him “I don’t care!” Of course I do care. But it is dragging me into such a painful depression. If I just let go of everyone, it’ll be easier to cope with when they do get taken or harmed.
In the past when I’ve been told I’m psychotic, I took the anti-psychotics in the hope they were right. This time they’ve said it’s pseudo psychosis and I have no idea what that means. But if it’s not ‘real’ psychosis how am I supposed to get rid of it. Surely meds won’t work if I’m not ill. So I can’t even cling on to the hope I’m ill. This is real. It is happening and I am so alone with no hope of an ending. 2.40pm