By trying so hard to keep my partner safe from being harmed or taken by the YO’s, I’ve driven him to hate me. He’s felt like I’m keeping him hostage. He just won’t recognise and doesn’t care about the danger. He’s so convinced I’m ill, even though my Mental Health Assessment concluded I was fine. But this morning he is filled with anger at all the services. Apparently he even called the police yesterday as well. But because noone responded he hates them all. And he hates me. Trying to keep him safe was probably a selfish act. I have to let him go. I have nothing to lose now. I just hope he doesn’t suffer in the process. I love him. He clearly blames me for all this. Somehow I suppose it is my fault. For whatever reason the YO’s chose me to target and by extension him. He’s been targeted because of me. How could he not hate me? 9am

I just want to give up now. I’m so sick of noone believing me. I’m sick of the contempt I’m being shown. Fuck them. Fuck them all. If they get hurt now I will know I tried my best to protect them. They’re on their own now.

I cannot bear to be around anyone now. I’ve spent the day dosed up on quetiapine and sleeping in bed. I actually want to push my partner out the door whilst shouting at him “I don’t care!” Of course I do care. But it is dragging me into such a painful depression. If I just let go of everyone, it’ll be easier to cope with when they do get taken or harmed.

In the past when I’ve been told I’m psychotic, I took the anti-psychotics in the hope they were right. This time they’ve said it’s pseudo psychosis and I have no idea what that means. But if it’s not ‘real’ psychosis how am I supposed to get rid of it. Surely meds won’t work if I’m not ill. So I can’t even cling on to the hope I’m ill. This is real. It is happening and I am so alone with no hope of an ending. 2.40pm

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