Bipolar irritability is getting the best of me. It’s making me feel isolated, desperate and just outright crap. I’m getting paranoid that my friends won’t understand. I’m scared of losing more friends because of this bipolar irritability and the evil Being that keeps haunting me. I almost feel like I’m outside, looking in at someone or something (the BEING) controlling me, destroying my life from the inside.
I feel like the medications are just suppressing the “dysphoric mania” bubbling underneath and I’m starting to struggle quite a lot. I spent the day loaded up with medication lasting over from last night, and I did feel a lot calmer. But the depression is creeping in with agitation, irritability and the Being again.
I don’t even know how to explain my head or mind anymore. I’ve had enough of this “energy,” like Being, that’s like a shadow that moves, living in me, like a parasite. I’ve had to self isolate, so I don’t do something stupid or dangerous. The medications are helping keep a lid on the “energy,” like a genie in a bottle. I feel the energy is evil and eroding me from the inside.
I feel like its eroding me away. What use is a lid without a container for it to go on?
The euphoria is mostly gone leaving bitter dysphoria.
I feel like I’m in the eye of a storm, an evil storm. It seems calm inside the vortex, but there is a medication “fog” hiding the storm from me. I take more medication, to deny the storm’s existence. But it knows what I know. What I don’t know is, if the medication makes me less susceptible to being “possessed” and controlled or if I am just ill and the medication is helping. Perhaps, the Being can only control/possess me and my mind, if I’m in full control of it. If I’m not “with it” maybe I become useless to it. Or perhaps the reason I lose time and have memory problems is the Being is already controlling me. Perhaps, the storm is me fighting back, trying to regain control of my mind and body. (Although this sounds a bit too much like The Host by Stephenie Meyer).
I want to feel the calm inside me but I want the quietness to be ME having my own mind. I want space in my mind to think my OWN thoughts and ideas, not the thoughts of a Being I cant see. I know the storm and Being are connected, I’m just not sure how yet.
I cant help thinking that I need to shut my body and mind off for a while. Either to confuse the Being or at the very least, to recuperate ready for another battle. But the danger is, the Being will find another target. Another victim. I need to get rid of it. Whilst it is in me.
I want to sleep…and not wake up until the calm returns.
Or not at all.